


All the Same

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-13
Updated: 2009-09-13
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:58:28
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: For midnytebloodlust. I really wanted to do something Post Standford but I kept coming back to this. Hope you like it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

I'm driving, been driving for hours. I keep fighting the urge to either throw up or cry. Right now, just miles outside of the Palo Alto city limits, I want to do both, in tandem. Sam fell asleep an hour or so ago and I look over at him. Head against the window with a slight smile covering his face, Sam looked so peaceful. I'm not able to handle this right now, need some distraction. I absentmindedly flip on the radio, just for something to do. Static. Great. I hit the scan button and waits for something, anything to fill the silence. The sounds of emo filter through the speakers as the radio falls on the first station. Before I can change the station, the lyrics catch my attention.  
  
I don't mind where you come from  
As long as you come to me  
  
My breath catches, "Sam" my mind shouts. I really didn't need this shit right now. I was having a hard enough putting on a brave front for my brothers benefit. Something about those lyrics though, wrapped around my mind and heart. It was like the words reached in and shone a light on the feelings I worked so hard to cover.  
  
I don't like illusions I can't see  
Them clearly  
  
Why was I on this road once again? Taking Sammy back to that prison of "normal", it broke my heart. I didn't want to be alone that much was obvious but it was more than that. It was about the illusion that Sam was holding tight to that he could become something that was most definitely not "Sam". He had left for Stanford a year ago and it almost broke me. Now, after a year of only the obligatory holiday visits, I need and want the game to stop. The late night phone calls where Sam acted like he was happy, satisfied. It was bullshit and I knew it. I was tuned into my brother, knew him inside and out. There was something about the two of them together, it felt like all was right with the world, there wasnt anything the two of them couldnt accomplish. How long would I have to wait for Sam to discover this, come home and get to the business of being mine?   
  
I don't care no I wouldn't dare  
To fix the twist in you  
You've shown me eventually  
What you'll do  
  
There was something about Sam...something that pulled me to him and wrapped me in comfort. There was also the part of Sam, that twist, that could take my heart and crush it. A raised eyebrow as if to say "Poor pathetic Dean" that served to effectively break any illusion that I held that Sam and I would ever be anything more than this, distant and removed from each other. Sam had what he wanted now, a girlfriend, friends, a bright future ahead of him. I wasnt a part of that no matter how much I wanted to be. How many times had I sat on the campus with Sam unaware I was there. Watching my brother mingle in the crowd, talking, laughing and being so normal. He had found a way to break from the past, from the horror of growing up a Winchester. So how could I take that away from Sam?   
  
I don't mind...  
I don't care...  
As long are you're here  
  
My mind screamed again "Sam. Don't go. Just stay. I'll make it ok. I'll make it everything you want and need." But I knew I couldn't. I could face any supernatural adversary with no hint of fear but when it came to maybe hurting my brother, I turned into a quivering mess. I knew I had no right to ask Sam to stay.   
  
I pulled into the small alley that ran along side of Sam's dorm and dropped the Impala into park, sitting. Sam sat up with a start. Without a word, I opened the door and slid from the cool leather seat. With only mechanical movements so as to not let Sam see just how much my heart was breaking, I reached into the truck to get Sam's bag. I won't let there be words this time, no chance that Sam will feel guilt. I watch as he rounds the side of the car. He looks so young, so full of promise and hope. I wish for a fleeting moment that it was me that gave him that look, like it used to be. I know that I have to push ahead, push Sam to the life he needs and wants. Sam seems to know my need for as little words as possible. He gives me a lop sided grin and pulls me into a huge bear hug. I feel the wind kissing my face and I concentrate on everything. I feel his heartbeat against mine. I hear the way he is breathing, low and deep. I feel his breath on my neck. I smell everything that is Sam, warm and bright. I memorize the way he feels, the muscles across his back and his stray hairs that tickle me behind my ear. Then before I need it to be, it is over. Sam steps back and gives me one last look before he is gone.   
  
Hours slide and days go by  
Till you decide to come  
However long you stay  
Is all that I am  
  
I'm a mess. I am long over due for a shower, for food and for a good nights sleep. I thought the worst of it was Sammy leaving the first time, it wasn't. I dream of him showing up at the door and telling me that he didn't want anything but me. I want him to kiss me and tell me that for once I can relax, that he will never leave me. There was a time when I would have never thought that Sam wouldnt be by my side. It was right for him to want his own life. I could never give him what Jessica could, what any one could give him but his fucked up brother. I had never cried or begged just been the "Dean" he needed me to be. I tried to erase the sweet memories of him laying in my arms, of placing chasted kisses on his neck. I tried not allow myself to remember the way that his eyes had sparkled when I touched him because really what fucking good was I to myself if I dwelled on how utterly RIGHT we felt together?   
  
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again  
You'll just come back running  
  
My phone was ringing again. It was Sam. I pressed the phone to my chest and tried to ward off the urge to answer and beg, beg for him to come. Come home to me. After the 6th call in a row, I was worried. Maybe something had happened and he needed my help. Against better judgment, I answered.   
  
"Hello?"  
"Christ, why didn't you answer?"  
"Busy. What's up?"  
"I miss you."  
"Yeah."  
Silence. The fucking silence was the worst.   
"Dean."  
"Yeah, Sammy?"  
"Open the door."  
  
A light knock. I crossed the room with my heart in my throat, phone still at my ear. I can hear him breathe, it comes through the phone lines and stabs my heart.  
  
"Sammy?"  
"Dean, open the door."  
  
I feel like my body is in quick sand. I don't want it to be him now. I don't want to face that he will leave me again. There's something wrong with him that he can do this to me. I make very deliberate movements now. I reach out and touch the door knob. I wrap my fingers around the cold metal. I turn the knob slowly pulling the door back even slower. Then he is there like a dream. His body fills the door frame.   
  
It's all the same  
And I'll take you for who you are  
If you take me for everything  
Do it all over again  
It's always the same  
  
He kisses me and I want to remember it all. He'll be gone and I'll be alone. He pushes me towards the bed while his foot gently kicks the door shut and all I can feel is hands and lips. He is whispering how much he loves me, how much he needs me. I soak it in. I take it no matter what the pain will do to me later. Hours pass and he is healing all the little scars. His hands are salve for my broken heart, broken mind. I slip into the peace that only my Sammy can bring.   
  
You've shown me eventually  
What you'll do  
  
I wake in the morning. He is gone like always. The pain is just under the surface. A few more days without him and the pain will rage. I will be broken forever until he decides that I am all he really needs. Broken. I cry.

__  


_Wrong or Right_

_Black or White_

_If I close my eyes_

_Its all the same, In my life, The compromise_

_I'll close my eyes Its all the same_

Nothing mattered without him. I know he doesn't need me. There's something broken in him that lets him to do this to me. He breaks me down and wears my heart as a prize. There's something wrong with Sam. Hell, there's something wrong with me for that matter. Sam doesn't love me like that, he loves controlling me. I am fierce. I am loyal. I am unbreakable. _Except with Sammy._ Theres something wrong with him that he can know I will compromise everything just to be near him. I will give up everything just for one touch from him.

I hum the song under my breath for the hundredth time that day....but only sing out this passage.

 

"And I'll take you for who you are now If you take me for everything"

 


End file.
